I have had a tertiary situation occur in the midst of trying to recovery from the most recent medical condition that greatly hampered any progress.  Okay, being real here. . . I quit.  I did.  I said, ‘forget it.  I can only handle so much physical pain at one time.  I have reached my limit.  Everyone should be happy, as others have said outright that I am not dealing with my diagnosis because I don’t “complain” enough.’  If they could hear me now, they would be very content to know that i have natural boundaries & limits of my pain like all people, and will, when pushed to my own personal limits, complain.  So, I am publicly stating that I am at the limit of what I can tolerate.

The conundrum is how to treat it.  Not as easy as it may seem, as the injuries incurred have a treatment that often conflict with appropriate treatment for my chronic condition.  I cannot remember the last time I drove a vehicle.  I take that back; I can.  The last day I went to work, I drove myself there and home.  I get lost in our moderate-sized community because I am not forced to think through how to get from Point A to Point B.  The first time I got lost while giving directions to a friend visiting, reality began to hit.

So you can perhaps sense the need, perhaps the desperation, to return to a more normal state physically.  Is it possible?  That depends on who you ask.  I am decades from giving up!  However, medication is currently impairing decision-making enough that I would not choose that route.

I have tried all other options in attempts to ease the pain.  Some have increased the pain, some have had a neutral effect, and a few have had minimal but slow improvement.  I am willing to be patient when I consider the options ahead if I accept this as the end.

Most of the medical professionals, as much as I appreciate & respect their views, would choose medication as the first option.  I am not saying it does not have a place in the course of treatment.  However, they are not in my home when it alters my thinking, my mood, my alertness – my role as mother and wife.  I don’t like having part of my personality disappear.  And I don’t seem to adjust to the medication over time. . . no matter how much time I am given. 

So they finally agreed it was time to return to some therapy, along with some additional treatments at therapy that had not been tried.  And?  This afternoon when the pain set in with its usual ‘I want to take a knife and stab myself so there will some physical proof of why I feel like this’ pain. . . I tried the at-home treatments rather than more pain medication.

I am determined to break the cycle.  The cycle of pain.  I am determined to life.  To live life fully, without impairment of medication when other options will work.  Everything in its proper place.  I am determined to be honest.  Someone asked me if I was surely feeling better because I ‘looked so good’.  I answered honestly.  No, but I am working on getting better.  I will be better.  Right now, I am not.

I am determined to be real.  The real me.  And I will be better physically, emotionally, and spiritually when I look back at this time. 

I am trying so hard to manage the level of pain I have.  I come up with a theory on what I am doing that causes the pain, when to try various things, and I think I just have my act soooooo together.  Oh to be so wise.

My physical therapist felt it was best to give things a rest for some time, which makes sense when looking at the big picture.  I took a break, and after about a week that seemed like the solution.  Soon I found the TENS unit was working wonders!  I even began using it proactively, thinking I could ward off the pain before it hit.  Take the pain medication, follow up immediately with the TENS unit, and it’s going to be a great day!

That worked great.  For several days.  Then, it didn’t.  In fact, it failed miserably.  A family member described it rather like a mild roller coaster with slow slopes up and down to express the improvement and setbacks.  A good visual example.  The big question is, am I getting better?

I reassessed things again.  The oddity that I am, I always loved exercise. In fact, anything physical.  So I went back to what was familiar.  Work the muscles one day, then give them a day of rest, then push them a little more the next day.  Good plan, works under normal conditions.  Well, the story every day is. . . I’m not normal!

I’m going to resting in peace.  I spent the morning moving my TENS unit around in conjunction with my pain medication.  I am having a lot of pain in my  neck, which i believe is because I don’t use my wheelchair to turn to people to speak to them.  I’m also not on the same level with them, height-wise.  I knew if I didn’t change my ways it would catch up with me. 

That is my own little secret that I am not sharing because I am really tired of therapy & all the medical stuff right now.  Okay, truthfully, I am at that point in the day when my medicine is making me really, really sick so what comes out right now may not represent where I am at attitude-wise for the rest of the day.  I just want to make some behavioral modifications, adjust what I can with regards to any DME equipment available to me, and move on. 

Quite honestly, I want a shower but my phone & emails have come at me with an onslaught all morning long. . . for 4 hours now and counting.  I generally can get myself ready in about 1.5 to 2 hrs.  When I have to do the full shower, etc. ~ everything ~ it is about 3 hrs. 

On a day like today, I don’t think anything could save me. I could not answer my phone or respond to emails, but then people rightfully ask how it is that I am at home recuperating and yet not available.  It’s a fair question.  If someone has a better solution than this, I would love to know what it is.  I am feeling flooded right now by attempts to manage the necessary affairs of my LOA, managing my pain, and wanting to be mentally sharp rather than be so constantly dulled by the medication.  I have been on it way too long for this to still be such a factor.  I think I’m a wuss!!

I don’t know even now where things went so wrong.  We always follow the same plan of treatment, and it always works.  Sometimes it takes a little longer than other times, but this was crazy.  I could not walk.  I could not stand on my own two legs. After very little time, my own therapist temporarily discontinued appointments.  I didn’t know until some time later that we actually resumed things because of my strong desire to get stronger so I could return to work.

I finally asked one day what her assessment was of the situation.  She said we were not accomplishing anything, that she felt I was best served to be resting at home, and to address it with my physician at my next appointment.  I think she thought she had just dropped a bomb on me.  Of course one does not disappear from their own physical body, although I suppose there are those who mentally check out of reality.  I am not the type, however.  I have been told that I can be way too blunt, and that may be true.  I am most blunt with myself.  I was not shocked by the question.  It was the reason I had asked in the first place. 

I think my therapist does a wonderful job, as we have worked together for many years off and on.  I had questions about continuing a path of the same exercises I had been doing way back when while inpatient at the hospital.  I felt it was poor use of everyone’s time.  She merely confirmed it.  I will take the truth any day, as long as you state it nicely enough and not mixed in half-truths.  So that was the end of therapy.  We agreed I would discuss it at the next appointment, and she would send progress notes to my physician.