The Real You

I have had a tertiary situation occur in the midst of trying to recovery from the most recent medical condition that greatly hampered any progress.  Okay, being real here. . . I quit.  I did.  I said, ‘forget it.  I can only handle so much physical pain at one time.  I have reached my limit.  Everyone should be happy, as others have said outright that I am not dealing with my diagnosis because I don’t “complain” enough.’  If they could hear me now, they would be very content to know that i have natural boundaries & limits of my pain like all people, and will, when pushed to my own personal limits, complain.  So, I am publicly stating that I am at the limit of what I can tolerate.

The conundrum is how to treat it.  Not as easy as it may seem, as the injuries incurred have a treatment that often conflict with appropriate treatment for my chronic condition.  I cannot remember the last time I drove a vehicle.  I take that back; I can.  The last day I went to work, I drove myself there and home.  I get lost in our moderate-sized community because I am not forced to think through how to get from Point A to Point B.  The first time I got lost while giving directions to a friend visiting, reality began to hit.

So you can perhaps sense the need, perhaps the desperation, to return to a more normal state physically.  Is it possible?  That depends on who you ask.  I am decades from giving up!  However, medication is currently impairing decision-making enough that I would not choose that route.

I have tried all other options in attempts to ease the pain.  Some have increased the pain, some have had a neutral effect, and a few have had minimal but slow improvement.  I am willing to be patient when I consider the options ahead if I accept this as the end.

Most of the medical professionals, as much as I appreciate & respect their views, would choose medication as the first option.  I am not saying it does not have a place in the course of treatment.  However, they are not in my home when it alters my thinking, my mood, my alertness – my role as mother and wife.  I don’t like having part of my personality disappear.  And I don’t seem to adjust to the medication over time. . . no matter how much time I am given. 

So they finally agreed it was time to return to some therapy, along with some additional treatments at therapy that had not been tried.  And?  This afternoon when the pain set in with its usual ‘I want to take a knife and stab myself so there will some physical proof of why I feel like this’ pain. . . I tried the at-home treatments rather than more pain medication.

I am determined to break the cycle.  The cycle of pain.  I am determined to life.  To live life fully, without impairment of medication when other options will work.  Everything in its proper place.  I am determined to be honest.  Someone asked me if I was surely feeling better because I ‘looked so good’.  I answered honestly.  No, but I am working on getting better.  I will be better.  Right now, I am not.

I am determined to be real.  The real me.  And I will be better physically, emotionally, and spiritually when I look back at this time. 

 

The Meaning of Life

I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am unlikely to be deemed employable either by my medical team OR my employer.  Perhaps some would find that to be great!  I do not.  I am thankful, however, that I am not prone to depression.  I do acknowledge that it is something I must guard against at all costs right now, as the opportunity for it is ripe.  In that vein, I have been questioning what my purpose is should it not include employable work.  (At this writing I am still homebound, so I am approaching the question from general terms.)

I began to look up different definitions for the meaning of life.  That is dependent, naturally, on where you are coming from with your center of core values.  One article tried to put the definition into an algorithm.  Hmmm. . . Not me, but perhaps you can agree with that.  Other suggestions included:

• God-Centered Views–one’s existence is more significant, the better one fulfills a purpose God has assigned. The familiar idea is that God has a plan for the universe and that one’s life is meaningful to the degree that one helps God realize this plan, perhaps in the particular way God wants one to do so.
• Supernaturalism–some kind of connection with God (understood to be a spiritual person who is all-knowing, all-good, and all-powerful and who is the ground of the physical universe) to constitute meaning in life, even if one lacks a soul (construed as an immortal, spiritual substance). The latter deem having a soul and putting it into a certain state to be what makes life meaningful, even if God does not exist. Of course, many supernaturalists believe that certain relationships with God and a soul are jointly necessary and sufficient for a significant existence.
• Self-actualization– Maslow’s term for maximally developing all our potentialities, and thus reaching the highest level of psychological health and awareness, is merely the implementation of fitness increase in the mental domain

Being one who has strong convictions of my own beliefs about this answer, and yet interested in others’ response to it, the search readily began to flesh out into divisions:  a reliance upon a higher source than oneself, as in the first example.  The other main category was to put the definition into a reliance upon oneself.  To approach life from the philosophical viewpoint.  Interestingly, the second example co-mingled the two ideas. 

I have held to the strong conviction that my purpose is in what God has planned for me from before I even existed.  I see so much order to this world, and justice brought out of chaos when I choose that relationship.  For me, it is what separates the first category from the others.  A humble acknowledgement that I don’t have all the answer. . . in fact I don’t have most of them.  The good news is that I don’t have to know all the answers, but can turn to the One who does.  Not my last resort in challenging times like now, but my first resort.

I am interested in how others find their strength.  It is not my purpose to judge, but to solicit an open conversation.  Thoughts?

 

Fly Like an Eagle

That is what I can do. . . in my mind.  Ergo, the problem.  I have one good day, and I just go for it.  I have no self-control.  None!  I have lived with this condition for years, yet never have I experienced such a setback as this.  I try to come to terms with the fact that this could be. . . dare I say it?  Permanent?!  I can’t.  It is unthinkable to me.  How does one reconcile themself to a life of where they were working one day, loved their job, enjoyed their coworkers, took trips to the store, driving, getting the mail ~ you name it ~ for granted.  Now, I find my days consist of time on a couch.  And I am content! 

Why would I be content with such a drastic change in my lifestyle?  There are so many reasons.  The most obvious reason is that when I sit with my legs reclined, and engage my mind in activities on the computer, I am  not in pain.  I find that my world centers around keeping myself out of pain. 

I take the necessary medication to maintain as normal a life as possible.  The medication alone renders me unable to have the necessary skills to drive safely.  If anyone had told me a year ago I would be in this position, I believe I would have been stocking up on activities to do.  However, many of my favorite activities involve enough mobility that there is the relapsing PAIN.  So, without realizing it, I find myself favoring activities that I still enjoy that do not make me miserable. . . and miserable to be around.

What an odd life.  I get dressed on the floor of my walk-in closet, and am content with the simplest clothes.  I used to be an utter clothes hound!  Now, it is about function first.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still won’t leave the house without my makeup on.  I may have lost a lot of function, but I’ve not lost my mind!

I can still enjoy doing some landscaping, it just takes creativity and determination.  Unfortunately, this is where I get myself into trouble.  Something is just beyond my reach.  I am certain I can stand long enough to make things right.  And I can.  But come talk to me later and ask me if I would still have made that choice.  So I learn. 

I learn patience.  Acceptance.  New things to learn.  New people to meet.  New ways to meet people.  New ideas to explore.  Taking up old loves that I somehow lost the time to do because I was always too busy.  Behind every burden there is a blessing waiting to burst forth.  It is my responsibility to go look for that blessing.

What does the future hold?  I have no idea.  Someone pointed to my wheelchair over the weekend, and meant it kindly when they said they hated it, hated seeing me in it, and they were praying against it.  God, show me more of Your strength in my weakness until it is all you and there is nothing left of me.  I used to be bothered by such comments.  Now I pray for the other person.  God is showing me immeasurable things:  about myself, about what really matters, about eternal things rather than focusing on the things that I think I have to have right now.

So in my mind, I soar like an eagle.  I may not on my legs or in my chair.  But He is taking me to higher places than I would ever go without these experiences.  I am soaring.  It is all a matter of your perspective of soaring.

Definition of a Chronic Condition

I got rather curious.  Who came up with that term, and what does it mean in general?  I know what ‘chronic condition’ means in my life, but what does the average reader think of when they see or hear this phrase.  I give credit to Wikipedia for the following information:

“The term Invisible Disabilities[1] refers to a person’s symptoms such as extreme fatigue, dizziness, pain, weakness, cognitive impairments, etc. that are sometimes or always debilitating. These symptoms can occur due to chronic illness, chronic pain, injury, birth disorders, etc. and are not always obvious to the onlooker. A person can have an invisible disability whether or not they have a ‘visible’ impairment or use an assistive device such as a wheelchair, walker or cane. For example, whether or not a person utilizes an assistive device, if they are restricted or limited by debilitating pain, fatigue, cognitive dysfunctions, dizziness, blurred vision, weakness, etc. these symptoms are their invisible disabilities.”[2] The Invisible Disabilities Advocate.

Some people with visual or auditory impairments who do not wear glasses or hearing aids may not be obviously impaired. (Some may wear contacts or have a cochlear implant instead.) A sitting disability is another category of invisible impairments. Sitting problems are usually caused by chronic back pain. Those with joint problems or chronic pain may not use mobility aids on good days, or at all. Other examples include Asperger syndrome, attention disorders (ADD/ADHD), brain injuries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, chemical sensitivities, fibromyalgia, epilepsy, and repetitive stress injuries.

Invisible disabilities can also include chronic illnesses such as renal failure and diabetes if those diseases significantly impair normal activities of daily living.

The article continues on, listing types of disabilities:  autoimmune, chronic pain, dietary, neurological, psychiatric, and multiple chemical sensitivity.  That was pretty eye-opening to me, to read some of the conditions listed under these different disabilities.  Let me leave you with just a bit more of their statistics cited from this article. . .

About 10% of Americans have a condition which could be considered an invisible disability.

• Nearly one in two Americans (133 million) has a chronic condition of one kind or another.^[1] According to this report, the most common chronic conditions are high blood pressure, arthritis, respiratory diseases like emphysema, and high cholesterol.

• That number is projected to increase by more than one percent per year by 2030, resulting in an estimated chronically ill population of 171 million.^[2]

• 96% of them live with an illness that is invisible. These people do not use a cane or any assistive device and may look, act, and feel perfectly healthy.^[3]

• 25% of people in the U.S. with a chronic condition have some type of activity limitation; the remaining 75% are not disabled by their chronic conditions.[4]

• 60% are between the ages of 18 and 64.^[4]

• 90% of seniors have at least one chronic disease and 77% have two or more chronic diseases.^[5]

 

Clash of the Titans

The next few weeks will prove to be interesting, of that I am guaranteed.  I have been advised by someone well-versed in the subject of short-term and long-term disability matters how various scenarios play out.  The irony?  At a certain point, the patient begins to have little to do with the outcome.  As it stands, there are theoretically three parties; however, only two parties are currently playing.  It is rather like a game of hearts when your partner decides to ‘go it alone’.  You, the patient, sit at the table and wait until the cards have been played.

Party One:  The Employer  . . . Has been given information that states unequivocally that I should not be allowed to return to work at all.  Ever.  End of discussion.  The employer has motivation to see the employed (myself) return to work so that some reason can be given to dismiss me upon my return.  Yes, we all know there are federal guidelines in place to protect the employee from being dismissed for a medical condition.  Employers also have other means of displacing such employees.  Am I afraid?  Given the times I saw this played out before my very eyes, I certainly believe there is cause for great concern.  Nothing is gained, however, by predicting a negative future.  As stated previously, I am not a player in the game currently.  Certainly it is to the employer’s advantage financially to have me return to work, however.  This provides the opportunity for a dismissal of employment rather than a long-term disability payout.

How did I reach this point?  I really thought I was going to be gone for a few weeks. . .

Party Two:  The Medical Providers . . . Have built a case for why any further considerations regarding a return to work are out of the question.  It will not happen, I will never be a viable employee for them.  The unspoken words practically scream out, ‘please stop wasting my time and just accept that you have a LTD employee on your hands.’  That is certainly an understandable position as well.

So the cat and mouse game has begun.  We will see how long it goes on.  No one has very much time left on their hands.  And I am sitting there at the card table, just watching the game being played out before me, unable to affect its outcome in any direction at this point.

I never saw it coming.