I have had a tertiary situation occur in the midst of trying to recovery from the most recent medical condition that greatly hampered any progress.  Okay, being real here. . . I quit.  I did.  I said, ‘forget it.  I can only handle so much physical pain at one time.  I have reached my limit.  Everyone should be happy, as others have said outright that I am not dealing with my diagnosis because I don’t “complain” enough.’  If they could hear me now, they would be very content to know that i have natural boundaries & limits of my pain like all people, and will, when pushed to my own personal limits, complain.  So, I am publicly stating that I am at the limit of what I can tolerate.

The conundrum is how to treat it.  Not as easy as it may seem, as the injuries incurred have a treatment that often conflict with appropriate treatment for my chronic condition.  I cannot remember the last time I drove a vehicle.  I take that back; I can.  The last day I went to work, I drove myself there and home.  I get lost in our moderate-sized community because I am not forced to think through how to get from Point A to Point B.  The first time I got lost while giving directions to a friend visiting, reality began to hit.

So you can perhaps sense the need, perhaps the desperation, to return to a more normal state physically.  Is it possible?  That depends on who you ask.  I am decades from giving up!  However, medication is currently impairing decision-making enough that I would not choose that route.

I have tried all other options in attempts to ease the pain.  Some have increased the pain, some have had a neutral effect, and a few have had minimal but slow improvement.  I am willing to be patient when I consider the options ahead if I accept this as the end.

Most of the medical professionals, as much as I appreciate & respect their views, would choose medication as the first option.  I am not saying it does not have a place in the course of treatment.  However, they are not in my home when it alters my thinking, my mood, my alertness – my role as mother and wife.  I don’t like having part of my personality disappear.  And I don’t seem to adjust to the medication over time. . . no matter how much time I am given. 

So they finally agreed it was time to return to some therapy, along with some additional treatments at therapy that had not been tried.  And?  This afternoon when the pain set in with its usual ‘I want to take a knife and stab myself so there will some physical proof of why I feel like this’ pain. . . I tried the at-home treatments rather than more pain medication.

I am determined to break the cycle.  The cycle of pain.  I am determined to life.  To live life fully, without impairment of medication when other options will work.  Everything in its proper place.  I am determined to be honest.  Someone asked me if I was surely feeling better because I ‘looked so good’.  I answered honestly.  No, but I am working on getting better.  I will be better.  Right now, I am not.

I am determined to be real.  The real me.  And I will be better physically, emotionally, and spiritually when I look back at this time. 

You think you know how a day is going to go.  I really don’t remember much of those early days.  I do remember being required to attend the doctor’s visit & not being well enough to drive.  In fact, I’m not sure if I was walking.  Doesn’t matter.  To me, I was being compliant & following through on my employer’s request, nothing more.  By now, I anticipated this being a 2-weeker.  I do recall being quite nauseous on the drive to the medical facility, and calling it being ’sea-sick’.  We discussed what was the likely scenario ahead of us.  Medication at home, rest, and we agreed back to work in 2 weeks. Very doable.  I could live with that.

That was not the end of the story.  I am not sure either of us is so great at assessing my medical condition.  He likes to deny things because it can become too painful, and I ~ well, I’m obviously ill.  No family nearby to see the obvious.  In fact, our family seems to be shrinking all the time.  I think that they are so used to the situation by now that it is old hat to them anyway.  This started out to be that way for me.  Until the appointment.

I soon learned I got to use up my annual deductible on another trip to the hospital.  Something was up because it was my longest stay ever.  We did funky tests of which the purpose for them were never explained to me.  I was perhaps too tired to care to ask at the time.  I still thought I would be back to work in no time.

Some therapy was scheduled, but it didn’t even begin for another week after my discharge.  Clearly I wasn’t thinking well, as I thought we should just dive right in.