My whole experience with LOA has been one that I can honestly say I hope I never have to go through again.  As I have stated, I never imagined I would be gone such a long time.  I do know that I would never have made it without a family member to help me.

Everything has a purpose, but there really should be a better system.  Some of it is federal regulation, some is clearly company policy.  All of it is annoying to those who are sick and to the healthcare providers who do a lot of work & are not financially reimbursed for it.  You can say thank you, but some days it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Mountains of paperwork, a specific number of days to fill it all out, employees who ‘don’t think it’s their job’ and could care less if I lose my job if they don’t fill it out on time.  Stress?  Stress is knowing that if it isn’t completed & returned on time, you just lost all those benefits.  I wonder if the parties involved would like to pay my hospital bills or provide a paycheck.  Through begging, pleading, and literally sitting outside in the lobby (not me), the paperwork was rushed to arrive at the final hour.  I am thinking that did not help with my initial physical healing, but we aren’t supposed to hold on to those things.  I think I am a little frustrated over that because of an appointment yesterday with a physician scratching their head, asking why this has been such a severe attack.  And he doesn’t know about the things going on internally.

I then wait to see if it has been approved.  They have an allotted number of days, and you are to be notified in a specific manner.  In fact, in two very specific manners.  One is through your local office.  They ‘forgot’.  Yes, that is the word that was used.  Forgot.  Then I would learn that everything I had signed up for the previous year as options to come out of my paycheck keep coming out.  Everything.  Because we had so much mandatory overtime & I had a ton of deductions, my paycheck was now 1/3 of what it was before. 

Until my STD was approved, I had to call in sick every day.  If I missed one day, it was over.  No job.  So every day that the medical office delayed turning in my paperwork, I had to get up at a very early hour to notify them of what they already knew ~ I wouldn’t be there that day.  My SO (to remain anonymous) was out of town or trying to keep the kitchen stocked with food that I could prepare myself during the day.  Pay bills, maintain all household responsibilities, take me anywhere I needed to go (I still haven’t driven anywhere yet).  It was suggested that he make the calls.  Yes, he needed one more thing to do.  Wait, no he didn’t.

I think I started resting about the 4th week.  Just in time for my first followup appointment.

I don’t know even now where things went so wrong.  We always follow the same plan of treatment, and it always works.  Sometimes it takes a little longer than other times, but this was crazy.  I could not walk.  I could not stand on my own two legs. After very little time, my own therapist temporarily discontinued appointments.  I didn’t know until some time later that we actually resumed things because of my strong desire to get stronger so I could return to work.

I finally asked one day what her assessment was of the situation.  She said we were not accomplishing anything, that she felt I was best served to be resting at home, and to address it with my physician at my next appointment.  I think she thought she had just dropped a bomb on me.  Of course one does not disappear from their own physical body, although I suppose there are those who mentally check out of reality.  I am not the type, however.  I have been told that I can be way too blunt, and that may be true.  I am most blunt with myself.  I was not shocked by the question.  It was the reason I had asked in the first place. 

I think my therapist does a wonderful job, as we have worked together for many years off and on.  I had questions about continuing a path of the same exercises I had been doing way back when while inpatient at the hospital.  I felt it was poor use of everyone’s time.  She merely confirmed it.  I will take the truth any day, as long as you state it nicely enough and not mixed in half-truths.  So that was the end of therapy.  We agreed I would discuss it at the next appointment, and she would send progress notes to my physician.

You think you know how a day is going to go.  I really don’t remember much of those early days.  I do remember being required to attend the doctor’s visit & not being well enough to drive.  In fact, I’m not sure if I was walking.  Doesn’t matter.  To me, I was being compliant & following through on my employer’s request, nothing more.  By now, I anticipated this being a 2-weeker.  I do recall being quite nauseous on the drive to the medical facility, and calling it being ’sea-sick’.  We discussed what was the likely scenario ahead of us.  Medication at home, rest, and we agreed back to work in 2 weeks. Very doable.  I could live with that.

That was not the end of the story.  I am not sure either of us is so great at assessing my medical condition.  He likes to deny things because it can become too painful, and I ~ well, I’m obviously ill.  No family nearby to see the obvious.  In fact, our family seems to be shrinking all the time.  I think that they are so used to the situation by now that it is old hat to them anyway.  This started out to be that way for me.  Until the appointment.

I soon learned I got to use up my annual deductible on another trip to the hospital.  Something was up because it was my longest stay ever.  We did funky tests of which the purpose for them were never explained to me.  I was perhaps too tired to care to ask at the time.  I still thought I would be back to work in no time.

Some therapy was scheduled, but it didn’t even begin for another week after my discharge.  Clearly I wasn’t thinking well, as I thought we should just dive right in. 

As I am still on LOA and my future employment is very much in the hands of everyone else, I am at this point not mentioning dates & specific facts lest my employer use this somehow against me.  As they say, it isn’t paranoia if it’s real!

We were having a typical weekend, preparing for our social function, when IT happened.  IT being the knowing that I am getting sick.  Now, sometimes I have to wait a few days & find out I am just a little tired.  I had been living for the weekend for months, but could no longer put my body back in order by Monday at this point.  Six months of mania had passed, and I had personally had several minor infections.  With me, however, no infection is minor & I had acted on the matter post haste.

Now it was a lovely weekend, and I knew.  Not only did I know, I knew it was a Big One.  Not only did I know it was a Big One, I already knew I would be calling in sick the following week.  This is from someone who thinks that calling in sick is a generally wimpy thing to do.  I had come in many days with more symptoms than anyone could care to imagine, and I found my coping skills to be nothing short of miraculous.  I also survived listening to The Whiner talk endlessly about her allergies.  Now, I believe very honestly that God will not give you more than you can handle, so apparently this individual who is in her 50’s can’t handle very much.  Give it a rest, already!  I’m over here typing with one hand & waiting all day to use the bathroom because I can’t walk that far to the bathroom more than once in a day.  But I digress. . .

I even contacted my physician to let him know that I was having a setback, but it was not a big deal.  I can’t remember how I figured out that if I was going to be gone more than a certain # of days it would turn into LOA.  Thankfully I learned that quckly, a case manager was assigned, and I was told to make an appointment with my physician asap. Darn it!  I thought I had gotten out of that visit quite nicely, thank you very much.